Friday, 29 February 2008

Terminal 5

I love all things aviation, and I spend more time in BA Lounges than with my own flesh and blood so I can't wait for BA Terminal Five to open. Have a look at the site. Looks impressive, and I'm used to flying top deck. The site says:

The floor to ceiling windows give outstanding views of the runways, aircraft, countryside and even Windsor Castle and Wembley Stadium

'ol Ed is a romantic at heart but even I can't believe that without a telescope I'll see any major detail of Windsor Castle or Wembley from Gate 736.

Sent from a BA lounge

How to map India

The freetards are wandering around barefoot being treated like Vishnu Himself:

We’re shown into an assembly room where 150 or so have gathered. Huge bouquets of flowers are presented to us to carry about 5 feet further and place on a table. And again applause as we enter. There are printed banners announcing our day of ‘Democratic Digital Mapping’. We’re sat facing the room along with the principal, H. S. Rai, and others from the computer engineering department. Everyone gets a chance to speak. Including an introduction of Schuyler and myself, featuring lengthy sections cribbed directly from our CVs. Schuyler gives another rousing speech of thanks. Overwhelmed, I have to start with “I’m from California, and we don’t really do ceremony very well there…”. Finally, we are presented with trophies commemorating our participation this day, and a couple mintues for photos, including photographers from the local media. Another round of applause as we move into the side room for tea.

Jesus fucking mother of Christ in Heaven! If you enter the freetard site there's not even any maps of India! This all reminds me of when Steve Jobs and I went trekking through the sub continent, popping pills all the way. Man, those were some trips. But I'm older now, and I have responsibilities.

Six months ago I personally saw to it that we paid some ex-call centre workers to run about mapping in India. It was just an amazing success, so much so THAT WE HAVE MAPS:

View Larger Map

The post continues:

We walk next door to the high fenced girls hostel, and pushed ahead down a corridor, where we are showered with flower petals and beaming smiles by five girls, and continue into the front of an open central yard of the complex, facing several hundred of the female students. Applause, hollars, flash bulbs. We are seated at couches placed in front, with a small table apon which clipboards are laid out. We quickly gather that this is a dance competition, we are the guests of honor, and are expected to judge the dances of a dozen young women. Numb horror.

Now, that's more like it. If only GSDI 10 was anythign like that! But, it's not hosted in Marin County now is it? I had wondered what ther freetards were doing while I was commanding my map empire. Now I know.

Sent from a BA lounge

Thursday, 28 February 2008

I'm in Trinidad!

It's warm, there's sand in my toes and there's a most bubbles competition planned for tonights hot tub. Yes, I'm in Trinidad!

But, why?

If you look in to the dim and distant past, and if you squint, you will see a land full of geo-promise. A world where if only we could design the right file format then all the worlds location information would somehow magically combine in to one giant fireball of goodness. It would explode like an orgasm of color and rain down sweet droplets of geocomputing all over the world. We would all share our map data using The One True Ontology in The One True Format which was to be designed by a crack committee of geoexperts.

That was the design anyway.

What happened was that Jack won and we're all stuck with shitty shapefiles. Sorry did I say we? I meant you. I use my file format (which I'm imensely proud of), KML.

So here I am in Trinidad, and essentially I'm surrounded with fucking morons. That's not meant in any way personal! It's just the official Google term for non-Google employees. Fucking morons. Did you know that the Chinese term for people beyond the great Wall was 'blood sucking ghosts' because nothing COULD exist beyond the wall? Well it's like that in the 'gol. It's basically a desert of lepers, ex-bubble employees and freetards out there and we can only man our walls with layers of pay-per-clicks to distract them.

Back to my bubbles. It's GSDI 10 (as if 9 were not enough). That's Geo Spatial Data Infrastructure, 10th time around. That should tell you something. If they can't get it right the first 9 fucking times, and these are the people building the dream, can't we all just get the hint and move on? I certainly did!

You don't see 'Web Browser Conference 10' do you? Or 'The Insides of the TRS-80 Conference, 10th edition'.

The speakers basically consist of large government departments and the companies selling them mainframe-era GIS systems for millions of dollars. A few freetards have been thrown in - the losers from the OGC (We give them money and I've asked one of our people to find out what they actually do with it (note: maybe just fly to places like Trinidad?)). Oh and the cute GeoServer people... Yes, one day you may replace ESRI over Jack's dead body but by then we'll own the ecosystem with Earth so go knock yourselves out.

It all blurs in to one. But, it's in Trinidad! Reminds me, USGS are here! How the hell did they scrape together the money for the flight? Probably accepting donations from their rangers or something. I always warned Vanessa the public funding route would never work out - just look at the USGS guys hawking for change and a place to sleep tonight. I told them the beach would be good enough.

Will there be a GSDI 11? Ok fine - so long as there's no national anthems played and it's somewhere warm. But please! No more "Future Visions for SDI" talks by old white guys looking backward. No more "Here's something some dumbass low-level Mapping Agency employee did once in his spare time with ESRI ArcSomething" talks. We get it. You all use ESRI and want a biscuit. Well done.

This is the downside to my job of running Google. If the downside to your job is listening to a bunch of paleotards in Trinidad blather on about the 70's, then it's not that bad... But ol' Ed would much rather be in the bunker designing the next map. Until we've sold these moron governments some ad-supported or Earth Pro installs though, I'm stuck here with you babe.

Until GSDI 11, be seeing you.

Sent from yet another dumbass OGC committee meeting. Please, God, no more.

Tuesday, 26 February 2008

Fake Ed Party - all invited!

To celebrate a year at Google, I'm throwing a party.

  • The Victoria pub next to Victoria Station (and my office!)

  • Friday 4th April from 6ish pm onward

Put it in your diary now!

Yes, it's been a year since I announced my ascent.

The past year has just been amazing. I've invented maps, invented slippy maps, invented three-dimensional spinning globe maps and put maps on your (dumb java) phone. I told Steve how to put maps on the (super nice) iPhone and I've dumped more CO2 in to the atmosphere from my flights around the world than an entire decade of Microsoft press releases.

A party is the right way to celebrate. The Victoria is one of my favourite pubs and always has a corner for 'ol Ed to sit in and sip his lambrini and coke.
I'm inviting all my ex-colleagues from Asbestos Towers and the entire Google team from just up the road will also be there. I hope to see freetards, propertytards, neotards and paleotards all in the room celebrating my invention of location.

Please spread the word by linking to this blog post.

No need to bring me a present, in fact we will be giving away ice cream and beach balls to the first 20 people to turn up, and t-shirts to the rest.

We expect a special - one night only - appearence from Real Ed who will be conducting the prize giving ceremony for 'person least likely to be Fake Ed'.

Sent from a BA Lounge.

Sunday, 17 February 2008

Web 2.0 as status symbol

What you neotards don't understand is that web 2.0 is just a status symbol.

In our post-post-neotard world inside the 'gol, we've had our web historians looking back at today and telling us what everyone got wrong. It's really quite simple. Microsoft paid half a billion kong bucks for hotmail (and people still use it), but then everyone figured out email was quite simple so you had many web mail systems.

Where does the innovation go? Shiny logos. Shiny logos, like my 911 Turbo, cost money. They say something. They say "I've got lots of money". Integrated drop-shading and rounded corners cost a lot of dev time, I'm telling you. The more shiny, the more rounded corners, the more effort must have gone in to that website. It says "My website is the most money".

Just look at my dopplr. No look at neotards futuretards and recently assimilated borg drones.

It's just a "who's flying around the world the most" competition. Here's a hint. I win. I'm the most money here. Once again I win the status competition that is Web 2.0.

Social networks? It's all about who has the most and prettiest chicks on the friends list. You can post to my super fun wall all you like, push me right up there, because yet again I'm the most money. I have the most friends. Almost by definition, those who get in early have the most friends so come join the pyramid scheme.

I don't have time to twitter any longer, I'm so money one of my secretaries twitters what party I'm at for me.

Now what's missing here? That's right, the 'gol doesn't do any of this because our public-facing properties are post-web 2.0. Not many of you know that the YouTube acquisition was just a joke that went wrong (no clue how we're going to get rid of it). So if you want to know what the future is going to be like, just watch what we do.

Remember to friend me on my dopplr!

Sent from a BA lounge

Thursday, 7 February 2008

BA Lounges

You might have noticed that my signature on blog posts reveal Google trade secrets (where I am). Well from now on I'm not even going to tell you which BA Lounge I'm in.

Does it even matter? Last year (don't tell Larry) I took seven flights just to look at the BA lounges around the world. It's a home away from home. They know my name, have a Lambrini and Coke waiting for me and I sleep it all off on the plane to the next BA Lounge. I got someone fired last month for putting me on the bottom deck of a jumbo jet - everyone knows ol' Ed flies top deck.

Anyway, one of the nerds at HQ 20% time project was 'Method for bringing women to Google' (or that's the non-secret summary). I'm glad to say it's paying off and we'll have beauty queens in all our regional offices by Q3 2008.

Sent from a BA Lounge.