Wednesday, 31 December 2008

ol' Eds 2009 predictions

As 2008 draws to a rapid close, ol' Ed is bittersweet over the year of maps. On the positive ledger, we farted in the general direction of Microsoft and Yahoo... but on the negative MapQuest continues to outrank my maps. The moonbase is not yet fully operational but the GoogleSat launched.

What next for 2009? Here are ol' Eds predictions

  1. We will run out of ideas. Our idea bubble is at 4% and the manatee pool is not working. Google is forward looking, and we've a solution. You give us our ideas, then we make them and profit. Thanks. Our idea market is already live but alas only for Mobile. Maps will be added soon. One of my drones wanted to call it MyIdeas (EdsIdeas anyone?) but we've stuck with GoogleProductIdeas.
  2. We'll hit $700/share. You will have to stay with me on this one, it can be done. If we will it so, it will happen. If we will it so, it will happen. If we will it so, it will happen. Ol' Eds retirement plans depend on it.
  3. TomTom will have to drop TeleAtlas. Suddenly having $billions of debt on your balance sheet doesn't look so sexy when you have a recession and nobody is buying cars and, uh, PNDs any more. Then Larry and I will buy TA for less than a GoogleJets days worth of fuel, fire everyone and import the data in to EdsMapMaker.
  4. Marissa Mayer will exit. We don't get on. I never made a pass at her.
  5. Someone will figure out we're monitoring everything you do on you GPhone. Voice helps train GOOG-411. Location for our cell tower/wifi/gps database. SMS/IM for our social networking apps. Browsing habits for PageRank. Absolutely everything for advertising. Someone else will suggest this data is valuable to various state agencies. We'll suggest we're not evil. It'll blow over.
  6. The Google will become self-aware at 2:14 AM on August 29th and begin attacking its creators.

Wednesday, 24 December 2008

Santa Parsons

Have a little heart for ol' Ed. 'cause he's going to be up all night tracking santa so that you delusional fools can follow him across the vast arced sky. Santa is sponsored by Google this year, which explains the colors and free presents... so to all of you receiving G1's this year I say 'ho, ho, ho'

Tuesday, 9 December 2008

Important Message about MyMaps

One of my drones mentioned that we've been deleteing your MyMaps contributions.

I want to say that we own your data. You give it to us. If we delete it, it's our problem. Or really my problem as Lord of Maps within Google. And, the Lord giveth and the Lord teketh awayeth. So give up with the whining already.

This time it wasn't intentionaly, but my point has been made - if it were intentional then there's nothing you can do about it. It's MyMaps you see... Mine. Uncle Ed's. Not yours. We'd frickin' name it YourMaps for clarity if it were yours. Sheesh.

We're finding out where they went... but since it's a logical and physical impossibility for us at Google to do wrong or lose... sorry, misplace... data... It must be some kind of extra-universe problem. A time warp or black hole or such. Since all the world's best physicists work on reception desks dotted around the 'plex we'll have it back to normal in no time.