Latitude breaks balls

You n00btards will never understand me !! The USS Google is on a maptastic voyage to crush all before us and one of my drones (#8872) just pointed out that Latitude doesn't just kill Burnt Out Eagle but a slew of other sites. Goodbye loopt. Goodbye whrrl. Goodbye WHERE...

Uncle Ed doesn't have the time to list them all. I've told Marissa that from now on we only launch products if they meet the following criteria:

• It's a cool idea !!
  
• We helped someone do it (e.g. they're using ol' Ed's maps)
• We can track them, usage, users, uptake... (e.g. they're using ol' Ed's maps)
• We invite them in to the 'plex, distract them with free ice cream and suck out all the useful IP they have.. .. and then mention we had those ideas all along !!
  
• We can kill at least 20 startups, not for profits, charities and cute little kittens who have built something similar

Ol' Ed calls this the 'platial model'. Watch out for more 'platial model' product launches from us soon !!

Sent using time compression waves from the future.

Down in flames

When you wake up in the morning you almost certainly think "how can Google help me build a better product." That or otherwise "where is my breakfast" or "some day I will get to sleep in." Well when ol' Ed wakes up, he thinks "how can I fuck Yahoo! sideways (and add value to todays geospatial ecosystem)."

Well today my geotards I can tell you we're fucking Yahoo! sideways with my new location service. This is an amazing service !!

The essenial point is that we know where you are at all times, because we'e tracking you. What Latitude does is make that available to you, the CIA, and anyone else we feel like. You, dear reader, might remember old discontinued services like Fire Eagle from the plane crash that is Yahoo! They have two or even three applications today.

My marketing campaign to crush those bozos is pretty simple. Free ice cream !! I have drone #5279 run developer events at Google London HQ. Yahoo! don't do that. In any case my geotards want to come and see a rocket ship with free ice cream, not a burning eagle in a plane crash.

We might steal the great ideas from the purple beast of Yahoo! but remember by geotards, we'd never do it to you !! We love you and your ideas !!

Google Earth 5.0!!!

Yes !!

It's here !!

Read all about the all-inspiring world crushing glory of my Earth product.

I have some issues I want to raise. Small things. May be missed by you but important to me.

• Why wasn't I told about the launch? I thought I was supposed to be on stage with Marissa? Damn Eric !!
• A lot of what you hear about 20% time just... look. The oceans was me, I took the Google Sub out a few times, we scanned crab and whale brains and got them to map it for us.
• The historic imagery... me too. I never get credit. If I was at the 'plex I know I'd get credit but it's like Siberia out here in London sometimes.
• Al Gore.. !! And they left me in London !! In the snow !!

Snow society meltdown

Uncle Ed likes snow when he is boarding on good powder, no doubt. Today my fellow mappers however, ol' Ed was almost snowed in Map Mansion by the drifts that have shut down blighty.

But not today!

Ol' Ed thinks ahead and I glide in to work on my Segway X2 ruggedized. This tech is shit hot and I was the first in the office today. I coordinated an emergency plan delta and we got choppers sent out to bring the rest of the brain trust to work. Rain or shine those maps must be up... because you freeloaders need them for your twitter snow maps. 

Help Israel remap Gaza

The world mourns the terrible loss of life in Gaza, and the freetards in their mums basement have even noticed there is an outside world. There is an appeal to help Israel remap Gaza. As the Israeli forces push deeper in to Gaza ol' Ed supposes they need maps.. or they could demolish everything and then build the roads according to what's in the freetard map?

ol' Eds 2009 predictions

As 2008 draws to a rapid close, ol' Ed is bittersweet over the year of maps. On the positive ledger, we farted in the general direction of Microsoft and Yahoo... but on the negative MapQuest continues to outrank my maps. The moonbase is not yet fully operational but the GoogleSat launched.

What next for 2009? Here are ol' Eds predictions

1. We will run out of ideas. Our idea bubble is at 4% and the manatee pool is not working. Google is forward looking, and we've a solution. You give us our ideas, then we make them and profit. Thanks. Our idea market is already live but alas only for Mobile. Maps will be added soon. One of my drones wanted to call it MyIdeas (EdsIdeas anyone?) but we've stuck with GoogleProductIdeas.
2. We'll hit $700/share. You will have to stay with me on this one, it can be done. If we will it so, it will happen. If we will it so, it will happen. If we will it so, it will happen. Ol' Eds retirement plans depend on it.
3. TomTom will have to drop TeleAtlas. Suddenly having $billions of debt on your balance sheet doesn't look so sexy when you have a recession and nobody is buying cars and, uh, PNDs any more. Then Larry and I will buy TA for less than a GoogleJets days worth of fuel, fire everyone and import the data in to EdsMapMaker.
4. Marissa Mayer will exit. We don't get on. I never made a pass at her.
   
5. Someone will figure out we're monitoring everything you do on you GPhone. Voice helps train GOOG-411. Location for our cell tower/wifi/gps database. SMS/IM for our social networking apps. Browsing habits for PageRank. Absolutely everything for advertising. Someone else will suggest this data is valuable to various state agencies. We'll suggest we're not evil. It'll blow over.
6. The Google will become self-aware at 2:14 AM on August 29th and begin attacking its creators.
   

Santa Parsons

Have a little heart for ol' Ed. 'cause he's going to be up all night tracking santa so that you delusional fools can follow him across the vast arced sky. Santa is sponsored by Google this year, which explains the colors and free presents... so to all of you receiving G1's this year I say 'ho, ho, ho'