ol' Eds 2009 predictions

As 2008 draws to a rapid close, ol' Ed is bittersweet over the year of maps. On the positive ledger, we farted in the general direction of Microsoft and Yahoo... but on the negative MapQuest continues to outrank my maps. The moonbase is not yet fully operational but the GoogleSat launched.

What next for 2009? Here are ol' Eds predictions

1. We will run out of ideas. Our idea bubble is at 4% and the manatee pool is not working. Google is forward looking, and we've a solution. You give us our ideas, then we make them and profit. Thanks. Our idea market is already live but alas only for Mobile. Maps will be added soon. One of my drones wanted to call it MyIdeas (EdsIdeas anyone?) but we've stuck with GoogleProductIdeas.
2. We'll hit $700/share. You will have to stay with me on this one, it can be done. If we will it so, it will happen. If we will it so, it will happen. If we will it so, it will happen. Ol' Eds retirement plans depend on it.
3. TomTom will have to drop TeleAtlas. Suddenly having $billions of debt on your balance sheet doesn't look so sexy when you have a recession and nobody is buying cars and, uh, PNDs any more. Then Larry and I will buy TA for less than a GoogleJets days worth of fuel, fire everyone and import the data in to EdsMapMaker.
4. Marissa Mayer will exit. We don't get on. I never made a pass at her.
   
5. Someone will figure out we're monitoring everything you do on you GPhone. Voice helps train GOOG-411. Location for our cell tower/wifi/gps database. SMS/IM for our social networking apps. Browsing habits for PageRank. Absolutely everything for advertising. Someone else will suggest this data is valuable to various state agencies. We'll suggest we're not evil. It'll blow over.
6. The Google will become self-aware at 2:14 AM on August 29th and begin attacking its creators.
   

Santa Parsons

Have a little heart for ol' Ed. 'cause he's going to be up all night tracking santa so that you delusional fools can follow him across the vast arced sky. Santa is sponsored by Google this year, which explains the colors and free presents... so to all of you receiving G1's this year I say 'ho, ho, ho'

Important Message about MyMaps

One of my drones mentioned that we've been deleteing your MyMaps contributions.

I want to say that we own your data. You give it to us. If we delete it, it's our problem. Or really my problem as Lord of Maps within Google. And, the Lord giveth and the Lord teketh awayeth. So give up with the whining already.

This time it wasn't intentionaly, but my point has been made - if it were intentional then there's nothing you can do about it. It's MyMaps you see... Mine. Uncle Ed's. Not yours. We'd frickin' name it YourMaps for clarity if it were yours. Sheesh.

We're finding out where they went... but since it's a logical and physical impossibility for us at Google to do wrong or lose... sorry, misplace... data... It must be some kind of extra-universe problem. A time warp or black hole or such. Since all the world's best physicists work on reception desks dotted around the 'plex we'll have it back to normal in no time.

A new direction for the OS ?

The fucking freetards are up in arms about privatising asbestos towers... oh no, might have to put the breaks on the new corporate HQ with its gym, pool and easy access to nearby motorways. Suddenly they actually want a government owned monopoly huh? Well if we all have to put off retirement as GOOG searches for $200/share then we're gonna make life interesting for the paleotards too.

I've been talking to Eric and we still have some money apparently. Sergey and Larry aren't fully on board but my plan is this - buy the OS when the 'for sale' sign goes up. We're going to make Southampton the new mission control for the moon base and fire all the paleotards there. They can go work at microsoft or something.

And what will we do with the data? Well that's a secret.

Who reads the Terms of Service anyway..

We do!

A while ago I made a rather cryptic blog post asking for any information regarding a communication that had been sent from Asbestos Towers to Local Authorities, this is the communication highlighted by Charles in the Guardian yesterday.

As the Guardian article points out the Paleotards was unhappy with local authorities signing up to the Google Maps API terms of service as it required giving all your data to Google and the users of Google maps based sites.

If I had ever worked at Ordnance Survey, say at a high level position, I would have stopped their patronising and Orwellian views on data ownership but happily I've only ever worked at non-Evil companies like Google.

Lets dig in to that license:

11. Licenses from You to Google.

11.1 Content License

(a) You retain copyright and any other rights you already hold in Your Content. By submitting, posting or displaying Your Content you give Google a perpetual, irrevocable, worldwide, royalty-free, and non-exclusive license to reproduce, adapt, modify, translate, publicly perform, publicly display and distribute Your Content. This license is for the purpose of enabling Google to display, distribute and promote the Service.

This part says we own all your data. Thanks.

(b) You give Google a perpetual, irrevocable, worldwide, royalty-free, and non-exclusive license to access, reproduce, adapt, modify, translate, publicly perform, publicly display and distribute business listings data contained in Maps API Implementations. For example, if you create a store locator application, Google may use the business listings information from the store locator to improve the Google Services such as Google Maps and local search.

This part says that we own all your other data too. Thanks.

Really useful I think..

(c) You agree that this license includes a right for Google to make Your Content available to other companies, organizations or individuals with whom Google has relationships for the provision of syndicated services, and to use such Content in connection with the provision of those services.

This part means we really, really, really own all your data and we can do what the fuck we want with it. Thanks.

(d) You understand and agree that Google, in performing the required technical steps to provide the Service to our users, may do the following:

(i) transmit or distribute your Content over various public networks and in various media; and

(ii) make such changes to your Content as are necessary to conform and adapt that Content to the technical requirements of connecting networks, devices, services or media.

Oh yeah - sorry. We own all your data and we can also fuck with it/modify it and beam it to the moon base if we want. Thanks.

11.2 Brand Features License. You grant to Google a nontransferable, nonexclusive license during the Term to use Your Brand Features to advertise that you are using the Service.

Not only do we own all your data, we also own your trademarks, your logo and your fucking pet cat. Thanks.

11.3 Authority to Grant Licenses. You confirm and warrant to Google that you have all the rights, power and authority necessary to grant the above licenses.

Oh and just in case you can't actually give us any of this stuff because it's owned by someone like, I don't know, the Ordnance Survey then we still own it and you imdemnify us if they ever grow a pair and fight like a man. Thanks.

Darth Parsons

People often ask me, "Uncle Ed, how do you combine geopatriotism and down-to-Earth geobanter while being a great manager?"

But that's not what I want to talk about today.

I've been working my British behind off launching my Isle of Man in my maps !! I took a broadside from the freetards at their wacko conference about my MapVader product and I'm not going to let a bunch of pot-smoking sandletards have a better map of some bike racetrack in the Irish Sea. No siree. 10.0 to Uncle Ed.

Darth Brin and Sith-Master Page have instructed me to use my GColor powers to rid the planet of the rebel scum. My keynote at the rebel base showed the freetards that the Deflector Shield will be quite operational when they arrive. There is no Skywalker, only a pathetic beeping R2-D2 to be struck down by the righteous sabre of 'gol.

The teachings of Emperor Schmidt have been instructive. Like Sith-project Knol we will disrupt and destroy their communications. We will tempt them to the Dark Side with promises of CPC revenue sharing, split their ranks with promises of 'server uptime'. One by one their number will fall.

Dah-Dah-Dah da da-da da da-da. Dah-Dah-Dah dah-de-dah dah-de-dah. DAH Dud-De-Dah dah du-duddy-dah dad-dah dah-de-dauddy-dah duh dua dah de dah.

My plan. To turn the republic in to my instrument, and their best saviour

in to a pupil of Darth Parsons, Emperor of Maps.

Emperor Schmidt has revealed to me the true nature of the Google Moonbase project. We will turn it in to a weapon capable of projecting our power in to the far reaches of the Galaxy. This is the very reason that we as Googlers must maintain our absolute mission and use our Powers only toward the vision of the Emperor.

I have been entrusted with owning the maps and destroying the rebel base. With the help of my fellow Darth pupils breaking apart wikipedia and undermining the GPLv3 we will turn them in to Sith-projects like Android, it's very name turning the volunteers in to our robot minions. To be sent out and eat Nokia alive.

I say to you rebel scum, join me and we can rule the Galaxy together.

20% time

People often ask me "Ed, how is it possible to be a geovisionary and a great manager at the same time?"

But that's not what I want to talk about today.

Many of you are also curious about what I do with my 20% time. In the beginning as I got to know my place at the top in Google my 20% time was what you mortals call 'Saturday' but these days Uncle Ed sets aside the time to think the thoughts required of a geovisionary.

I couldn't possibly tell you most of what I do (unless you get a few pints of the dark stuff inside me in ol' Ireland !!) but let me tell you what I did today. Today, I spent 8 hours training with the SAS.

The SAS are the super army soldiers, the elite in ol' Blighty. You've seen them in such events as the Iranian Embassy Hostage Crisis and World War II. But I know, I know. Why is Uncle Ed training with the SAS? Well, partly it's to teach them about search and my maps but also it was to gain some first hand defence and combat experience... because I have an upcoming trip to Mogadishu.

Uncle Ed's Maps are needed in Somalia, and they don't have running water or internet let alone the comforts ol' Ed is used to like my personal masseuse and my karmic guide. I'm going to get Mogadishu mapped, but I need the training first. The next stage is to find transport in and out. Currently I'm planning a helo drop from 3,000ft armed only with two knives and a GPS unit, plus an iPhone to signal for immediate evac if pinned down.

Sent from a secret base using secret technology (look I say secret but Google had all this stuff back in the mind meld days)