Going to Where?

Ol' Ed touched down on the BA flight (top deck !!) to reign once more over the underlings at the 'plex. Ed is here to watch the freetards (is this guy one of 'em? Ol' Ed thinks so. The beard gives it away) claim that music, maps and money should be free to everyone. Ol' Ed likes a bit of free love now and again but only Googlers get free money every other christmas. And only very good boys sit on Lergeys lap for the present.

Yes !! It's Where 2.0 !!

Google Drones #8823 and #4963 are keynoting. Ol' Ed will be at the bar sipping the lambrini and coke twattering about my observations over the next few days because that's right fans, ol' Ed is on the twitter with @FakeEdParsons !!

Mapping Party!

Without looking at any other mapping projects and how they work, and all on our own, using as many PhDs and MBAs as we could find hanging out at the infinite swimming pool... we've invented mapping parties !!

Map parties are where you get together for fun and map an area, have some food and maybe a lambrini and coke. Your chums go out mapping and enter the data in ol' Ed's Maps. We then show it to you with ads on top !!

It's amazing what we at Google produce with just the raw power of our minds and without learning from anyone else !! We love academia at google, we love your links because they are like citations in academic papers and they power our wondiferous search engine. But we at the 'plex don't need to do citations if we learn from other people because we don't learn from other people. We invent using mind energy in idea bubbles. Just look at Knol and Mapping Parties.

Sent from idea bubble #8832 using Mind Energy

Apple really fucked me on this one

The Steve Jobs wannabes think they can screw Uncle Ed. Can't use Ed's tiles due to licensing on some iPhone 3.0 apps !! "Now there is one catch -- bring your own maps. Due to licensing, we can't use those tiles in maps."

!!

!!

Time to crank up ol' Ed's Map Maker and go medieval on TeleAtlas' asses !!

!!

Latitude breaks balls

You n00btards will never understand me !! The USS Google is on a maptastic voyage to crush all before us and one of my drones (#8872) just pointed out that Latitude doesn't just kill Burnt Out Eagle but a slew of other sites. Goodbye loopt. Goodbye whrrl. Goodbye WHERE...

Uncle Ed doesn't have the time to list them all. I've told Marissa that from now on we only launch products if they meet the following criteria:

• It's a cool idea !!
  
• We helped someone do it (e.g. they're using ol' Ed's maps)
• We can track them, usage, users, uptake... (e.g. they're using ol' Ed's maps)
• We invite them in to the 'plex, distract them with free ice cream and suck out all the useful IP they have.. .. and then mention we had those ideas all along !!
  
• We can kill at least 20 startups, not for profits, charities and cute little kittens who have built something similar

Ol' Ed calls this the 'platial model'. Watch out for more 'platial model' product launches from us soon !!

Sent using time compression waves from the future.

Down in flames

When you wake up in the morning you almost certainly think "how can Google help me build a better product." That or otherwise "where is my breakfast" or "some day I will get to sleep in." Well when ol' Ed wakes up, he thinks "how can I fuck Yahoo! sideways (and add value to todays geospatial ecosystem)."

Well today my geotards I can tell you we're fucking Yahoo! sideways with my new location service. This is an amazing service !!

The essenial point is that we know where you are at all times, because we'e tracking you. What Latitude does is make that available to you, the CIA, and anyone else we feel like. You, dear reader, might remember old discontinued services like Fire Eagle from the plane crash that is Yahoo! They have two or even three applications today.

My marketing campaign to crush those bozos is pretty simple. Free ice cream !! I have drone #5279 run developer events at Google London HQ. Yahoo! don't do that. In any case my geotards want to come and see a rocket ship with free ice cream, not a burning eagle in a plane crash.

We might steal the great ideas from the purple beast of Yahoo! but remember by geotards, we'd never do it to you !! We love you and your ideas !!

Google Earth 5.0!!!

Yes !!

It's here !!

Read all about the all-inspiring world crushing glory of my Earth product.

I have some issues I want to raise. Small things. May be missed by you but important to me.

• Why wasn't I told about the launch? I thought I was supposed to be on stage with Marissa? Damn Eric !!
• A lot of what you hear about 20% time just... look. The oceans was me, I took the Google Sub out a few times, we scanned crab and whale brains and got them to map it for us.
• The historic imagery... me too. I never get credit. If I was at the 'plex I know I'd get credit but it's like Siberia out here in London sometimes.
• Al Gore.. !! And they left me in London !! In the snow !!

Snow society meltdown

Uncle Ed likes snow when he is boarding on good powder, no doubt. Today my fellow mappers however, ol' Ed was almost snowed in Map Mansion by the drifts that have shut down blighty.

But not today!

Ol' Ed thinks ahead and I glide in to work on my Segway X2 ruggedized. This tech is shit hot and I was the first in the office today. I coordinated an emergency plan delta and we got choppers sent out to bring the rest of the brain trust to work. Rain or shine those maps must be up... because you freeloaders need them for your twitter snow maps. 

Help Israel remap Gaza

The world mourns the terrible loss of life in Gaza, and the freetards in their mums basement have even noticed there is an outside world. There is an appeal to help Israel remap Gaza. As the Israeli forces push deeper in to Gaza ol' Ed supposes they need maps.. or they could demolish everything and then build the roads according to what's in the freetard map?

ol' Eds 2009 predictions

As 2008 draws to a rapid close, ol' Ed is bittersweet over the year of maps. On the positive ledger, we farted in the general direction of Microsoft and Yahoo... but on the negative MapQuest continues to outrank my maps. The moonbase is not yet fully operational but the GoogleSat launched.

What next for 2009? Here are ol' Eds predictions

1. We will run out of ideas. Our idea bubble is at 4% and the manatee pool is not working. Google is forward looking, and we've a solution. You give us our ideas, then we make them and profit. Thanks. Our idea market is already live but alas only for Mobile. Maps will be added soon. One of my drones wanted to call it MyIdeas (EdsIdeas anyone?) but we've stuck with GoogleProductIdeas.
2. We'll hit $700/share. You will have to stay with me on this one, it can be done. If we will it so, it will happen. If we will it so, it will happen. If we will it so, it will happen. Ol' Eds retirement plans depend on it.
3. TomTom will have to drop TeleAtlas. Suddenly having $billions of debt on your balance sheet doesn't look so sexy when you have a recession and nobody is buying cars and, uh, PNDs any more. Then Larry and I will buy TA for less than a GoogleJets days worth of fuel, fire everyone and import the data in to EdsMapMaker.
4. Marissa Mayer will exit. We don't get on. I never made a pass at her.
   
5. Someone will figure out we're monitoring everything you do on you GPhone. Voice helps train GOOG-411. Location for our cell tower/wifi/gps database. SMS/IM for our social networking apps. Browsing habits for PageRank. Absolutely everything for advertising. Someone else will suggest this data is valuable to various state agencies. We'll suggest we're not evil. It'll blow over.
6. The Google will become self-aware at 2:14 AM on August 29th and begin attacking its creators.
   

Santa Parsons

Have a little heart for ol' Ed. 'cause he's going to be up all night tracking santa so that you delusional fools can follow him across the vast arced sky. Santa is sponsored by Google this year, which explains the colors and free presents... so to all of you receiving G1's this year I say 'ho, ho, ho'

Important Message about MyMaps

One of my drones mentioned that we've been deleteing your MyMaps contributions.

I want to say that we own your data. You give it to us. If we delete it, it's our problem. Or really my problem as Lord of Maps within Google. And, the Lord giveth and the Lord teketh awayeth. So give up with the whining already.

This time it wasn't intentionaly, but my point has been made - if it were intentional then there's nothing you can do about it. It's MyMaps you see... Mine. Uncle Ed's. Not yours. We'd frickin' name it YourMaps for clarity if it were yours. Sheesh.

We're finding out where they went... but since it's a logical and physical impossibility for us at Google to do wrong or lose... sorry, misplace... data... It must be some kind of extra-universe problem. A time warp or black hole or such. Since all the world's best physicists work on reception desks dotted around the 'plex we'll have it back to normal in no time.

A new direction for the OS ?

The fucking freetards are up in arms about privatising asbestos towers... oh no, might have to put the breaks on the new corporate HQ with its gym, pool and easy access to nearby motorways. Suddenly they actually want a government owned monopoly huh? Well if we all have to put off retirement as GOOG searches for $200/share then we're gonna make life interesting for the paleotards too.

I've been talking to Eric and we still have some money apparently. Sergey and Larry aren't fully on board but my plan is this - buy the OS when the 'for sale' sign goes up. We're going to make Southampton the new mission control for the moon base and fire all the paleotards there. They can go work at microsoft or something.

And what will we do with the data? Well that's a secret.

Who reads the Terms of Service anyway..

We do!

A while ago I made a rather cryptic blog post asking for any information regarding a communication that had been sent from Asbestos Towers to Local Authorities, this is the communication highlighted by Charles in the Guardian yesterday.

As the Guardian article points out the Paleotards was unhappy with local authorities signing up to the Google Maps API terms of service as it required giving all your data to Google and the users of Google maps based sites.

If I had ever worked at Ordnance Survey, say at a high level position, I would have stopped their patronising and Orwellian views on data ownership but happily I've only ever worked at non-Evil companies like Google.

Lets dig in to that license:

11. Licenses from You to Google.

11.1 Content License

(a) You retain copyright and any other rights you already hold in Your Content. By submitting, posting or displaying Your Content you give Google a perpetual, irrevocable, worldwide, royalty-free, and non-exclusive license to reproduce, adapt, modify, translate, publicly perform, publicly display and distribute Your Content. This license is for the purpose of enabling Google to display, distribute and promote the Service.

This part says we own all your data. Thanks.

(b) You give Google a perpetual, irrevocable, worldwide, royalty-free, and non-exclusive license to access, reproduce, adapt, modify, translate, publicly perform, publicly display and distribute business listings data contained in Maps API Implementations. For example, if you create a store locator application, Google may use the business listings information from the store locator to improve the Google Services such as Google Maps and local search.

This part says that we own all your other data too. Thanks.

Really useful I think..

(c) You agree that this license includes a right for Google to make Your Content available to other companies, organizations or individuals with whom Google has relationships for the provision of syndicated services, and to use such Content in connection with the provision of those services.

This part means we really, really, really own all your data and we can do what the fuck we want with it. Thanks.

(d) You understand and agree that Google, in performing the required technical steps to provide the Service to our users, may do the following:

(i) transmit or distribute your Content over various public networks and in various media; and

(ii) make such changes to your Content as are necessary to conform and adapt that Content to the technical requirements of connecting networks, devices, services or media.

Oh yeah - sorry. We own all your data and we can also fuck with it/modify it and beam it to the moon base if we want. Thanks.

11.2 Brand Features License. You grant to Google a nontransferable, nonexclusive license during the Term to use Your Brand Features to advertise that you are using the Service.

Not only do we own all your data, we also own your trademarks, your logo and your fucking pet cat. Thanks.

11.3 Authority to Grant Licenses. You confirm and warrant to Google that you have all the rights, power and authority necessary to grant the above licenses.

Oh and just in case you can't actually give us any of this stuff because it's owned by someone like, I don't know, the Ordnance Survey then we still own it and you imdemnify us if they ever grow a pair and fight like a man. Thanks.

Darth Parsons

People often ask me, "Uncle Ed, how do you combine geopatriotism and down-to-Earth geobanter while being a great manager?"

But that's not what I want to talk about today.

I've been working my British behind off launching my Isle of Man in my maps !! I took a broadside from the freetards at their wacko conference about my MapVader product and I'm not going to let a bunch of pot-smoking sandletards have a better map of some bike racetrack in the Irish Sea. No siree. 10.0 to Uncle Ed.

Darth Brin and Sith-Master Page have instructed me to use my GColor powers to rid the planet of the rebel scum. My keynote at the rebel base showed the freetards that the Deflector Shield will be quite operational when they arrive. There is no Skywalker, only a pathetic beeping R2-D2 to be struck down by the righteous sabre of 'gol.

The teachings of Emperor Schmidt have been instructive. Like Sith-project Knol we will disrupt and destroy their communications. We will tempt them to the Dark Side with promises of CPC revenue sharing, split their ranks with promises of 'server uptime'. One by one their number will fall.

Dah-Dah-Dah da da-da da da-da. Dah-Dah-Dah dah-de-dah dah-de-dah. DAH Dud-De-Dah dah du-duddy-dah dad-dah dah-de-dauddy-dah duh dua dah de dah.

My plan. To turn the republic in to my instrument, and their best saviour

in to a pupil of Darth Parsons, Emperor of Maps.

Emperor Schmidt has revealed to me the true nature of the Google Moonbase project. We will turn it in to a weapon capable of projecting our power in to the far reaches of the Galaxy. This is the very reason that we as Googlers must maintain our absolute mission and use our Powers only toward the vision of the Emperor.

I have been entrusted with owning the maps and destroying the rebel base. With the help of my fellow Darth pupils breaking apart wikipedia and undermining the GPLv3 we will turn them in to Sith-projects like Android, it's very name turning the volunteers in to our robot minions. To be sent out and eat Nokia alive.

I say to you rebel scum, join me and we can rule the Galaxy together.

20% time

People often ask me "Ed, how is it possible to be a geovisionary and a great manager at the same time?"

But that's not what I want to talk about today.

Many of you are also curious about what I do with my 20% time. In the beginning as I got to know my place at the top in Google my 20% time was what you mortals call 'Saturday' but these days Uncle Ed sets aside the time to think the thoughts required of a geovisionary.

I couldn't possibly tell you most of what I do (unless you get a few pints of the dark stuff inside me in ol' Ireland !!) but let me tell you what I did today. Today, I spent 8 hours training with the SAS.

The SAS are the super army soldiers, the elite in ol' Blighty. You've seen them in such events as the Iranian Embassy Hostage Crisis and World War II. But I know, I know. Why is Uncle Ed training with the SAS? Well, partly it's to teach them about search and my maps but also it was to gain some first hand defence and combat experience... because I have an upcoming trip to Mogadishu.

Uncle Ed's Maps are needed in Somalia, and they don't have running water or internet let alone the comforts ol' Ed is used to like my personal masseuse and my karmic guide. I'm going to get Mogadishu mapped, but I need the training first. The next stage is to find transport in and out. Currently I'm planning a helo drop from 3,000ft armed only with two knives and a GPS unit, plus an iPhone to signal for immediate evac if pinned down.

Sent from a secret base using secret technology (look I say secret but Google had all this stuff back in the mind meld days)

So plans change...

I am adding streetview to Blighty, see here for more. I bought a car, fitted the roof rack and built the camera mount. In the back, I built a stack of harddrives and all the processing software and now I'm driving it around London with an emphasis on my house. My goal is to drive around terminal 5 with this baby but without the large Google logos on the side the tanks might roll in !!

Some bunch of privacy wankers are objecting that I'm putting more surveilance data online than the Labour Government (it's hard, but someone has to do it). I say follow the lead of the YouTube team and fuck privacy, viacom can have the data !!

But yes Uncle Ed fans !! I'm coming to Limerick !!

Last year I was the show but now we are moving on to stage two in our embrace, extend, extinguish strategy. For this stage, Google Security will be joining me to ensure my personal safety at all times and you just don't want to fuck with these guys. They're all ex-SAS and may be carrying semi-automatic weapons. You probably won't see them anyway, we sent them on a course to blend in with freetards !!

If you have any criticsm of MapMaker please submit it in advance... I will make Private Eye proud. For example if you say "MapMaker is the greatest way to screw the freetards" I will massage that in to "MapMaker is greatest". By framing the discussion and handing out Google candy I think I can hoodwink the freetards.

I will be flying in on the Google plane, Uncle Ed doesn't do RyanAir. And I don't want any questions about the Google plane being used for CIA rendition flights, I've made clear I have only used it [redacted].

Sent from [redacted] via [redacted]

No input file specified.

The comments are getting heated so I've turned them off on advice from Sergey... 'No input file specified.' seems vague enough while I figure how to massage the message !!

What Map Maker is /is not [DRAFT]

Bit of a down moment in the last post, time to pick it up !! I'm hurt by this but they will not drag me down !!

Last week I introduced Map Maker a set of online map making tools to very positive… but not universal acclaim.

I can't understand where SteveC is coming from - it's just fucking amazing and we're going to shit all over everybody, but I think it’s important to clarify a few points.

Map Maker is clearly not an freetard project, and as such is not in competition with the freetards and does not I believe represent a forking opportunity for the creation of open geodata. If you wish to help build an open geodata based global map then go live in your hut or buy a prius, hippie.

What Map Maker represents is the revolution coming home. While I invented maps, location and croud sourcing of map data, the key for me was the love of the people. We are now telling the users of Uncle Ed's Maps to do our work for us by providing mapping data using this cobbled together tool. The data submitted is licensed by contributors to Google and NavTeq can go fuck themselves.

This is a key difference in approach to the freetards, most end users of Google Maps/Earth etc. and most developers using their api’s don’t want or need rants about licenses, access to every little number is a database or whatever it is they do. They of course want Uncle Ed's Maps.

Although never a freetard project, it does produce data that is 'free' to users, the information contributed by the community becomes freely available to them via Uncle Ed's Maps and the Maps and Earth API’s. And we pay for the servers with some ads.

This is the thin end of the wedge. I really wanted to launch it worldwide but I was still in paleoland when the Red Level Googlers signed agreements with our data suppliers so we can't screw them yet - but I'm going to see their 'oh' face before long. 'oh!' 'oh!' 'oh!'. You know what I'm talking about.

Written and submitted from the Virgin Galactic lounge using it's mind network.

Secretly I just browse the web all day

I've not had a good day.

Being supreme commander of maps at Google was my dream job and on the outside I know how it looks. The parties, the women, the colored beach balls. But on the inside it has so much more in common with kindergarten. The free food and colorful shiny things are only the start of the similarities - think temper tantrums and three year olds running around painting the walls with vomit.

Today I tried to call a meeting to see who had launched MapMaker and why. It was an all hands, 37 people were supposed to be there but only I turned up. Everyone was on '20% time' again.

I went back to browsing the web.

I've learnt some key parts of the Secret though. I don't have to just think blue... I have to *be* blue I think. Feel blue. Own blue.

I saw someone with a blue wristband at the water cooler and it got me down again. I've heard rumors that there are levels beyond white level googler but that can't be true because The Priesthood, the triumvirate's Inner Circle, are all white level.

Back to browsing. Home time soon.

LOLParsons

Uncle Ed has been in lolcamp for the past six weeks. The G have a new psychotherapy course where you regress in to your inner lol and analyze where your thoughts and feelings come from. It's a warm and safe environment, and my rebirth has been wonderful. I finally feel I'm on the way to blue level. Let me let some out:

O HAI

Can has map? TeleAtlas DO NOT WANT!

NavTeq steel teh cheezburgers. Bad maps. Maps old. Haf to give many cheezburgers for teh maps. googol make teh maps, googol keep da cheezburgers.

OpenStreetMap LOL. noobs! LOL. LOL. LOL. LOLzers. Can has googol engineerz? Teh fast compooters? MapMaker. WANT.

Ceiling cat gif cheezburgers to best map. Can has best map at teh googol?

O HAI HOOMAN - can has maps streets for teh googolz? KTHX. Googol now has pwned maps. SRSLY !!

OH NOES! TeleAtlas angries. DO NOT WANT. Googol cheezburgers wif uber maps !! SRSLY !!

Teh googol winz teh maps, gifs maps and cheezburgers wif Androids. Nokia DO NOT WANT. NavTeq KTHXBYE. TeleAtlas wuz mad at teh googolz but teh googolz ownzored teh maps. TeleAtlas KTHXBYE.

Ceiling cat happiez. srsly. mapd ur maps, all gud wif teh maps. now teh googol spaceship can has maps on moonz. srsly. larry WANT. sergey WANT.

kthxbye